When you grow up.

I've been at this mom thing for just a little over 3 years now. The big fat positive that marked the beginning came in April 2011.

For as long as I can remember, my attitude toward relationships has been to take things as they come. Day by day. Cherish the moments. I have been fortunate to savour every day of motherhood. Every single one. I can honestly say that I have no regrets in how I have mothered this little human.

I was chugging along steadily until 2014.

I believe that I have shifted from a healthy dose of daily gratitude to a lack of hope that there will be a tomorrow. Overstated? Perhaps.

This year and last year showed me that children die. Of course I have always known that but it's always been more of an arm's length type of knowledge. In 2014, in my personal circle, 2 children have passed away and a 3rd child is has been recently diagnosed with cancer. Not a fun, easily treatable kind of cancer but a brand of leukemia that is best caught when you are male and younger than 2. She is inching close to 3.

I am not quite sure where I go from here. How to regain hope that this little person by my side will have her chance to become a preschooler, a tween, a teen. That she will have friends, and lovers and such. And then to regain the hope that I will live long enough to see all the wonder that will be the life she lives.