Something in the water

How I wish it was *that* easy. I never imagined how much baby thoughts would get into my head as soon as I was married. I want two right now. Or yesterday, yesterday would be better. It's too early to say if we're going to have troubles conceiving or if it'll happen within a few months. What I can say is that I am already fussy about it and we have only been married for two months. It was so easy to get pregnant when I was 19. Fooled around with my buddy once on the right day and a few weeks later the stick had two lines. I miscarried a few weeks later but since then have been encouraged by the fact that getting pregnant could be so easy. Now I am having thoughts like "what if that was my only chance" or worse "what if all I can ever sustain is a few weeks of life". Today feels like a PMS day but it isn't. TTC days have become more stressful than PMS and, lovin' aside, I pretty much dread them.

Just had to change my settings to adult-friendly.

No one warned me about the chafing, how much pressure I'd feel, and the monthly disappointment. If I have a daughter or two I will certainly prepare them by filling them in with as much general information as they can handle.

Also on my mind today is a situation with a friend. I don't typically have situations. My whole way of life is about avoiding unpleasantness, being kind and honest and staying the hell away from situations. I blame Facebook. Several months ago I removed a lot of friends from my Facebook account. One friend was very hurt by this. She still is. And, she let me know. Again. I didn't think I was the type who hurt people. I certainly didn't intend to. I intended to have less facebook friends and have more real life, face to face relationships. You know the kind, where you actually get together or call each other. Obviously I failed to effectively communicate my intentions. I'm not sure what will come of all this. I am available for a getting together kind of relationship. I am also okay with moving on. I am not so happy with feeling like I've done something wrong when I'm not so sure I have.

Nope.

The past several days were spend relaxing, skiing, shopping, and eating in Banff. During dinner one evening a man at our table commented that I am a trophy wife. I tried to be gracious as I quickly explained that I was a mascot wife and nothing like a trophy wife at all. It is possible that I may have only illustrated the fact that I am a crazy wife. Oh well.

Other highlights of the weekend away include
*a lovely bottle of Blasted Church http://blastedchurch.com/ wine. I've tried their Gewurztraminer and Hatfield's Fuse. Next I shall have to try Big Bang.
*Cross country skiing for hours and being treated to the sight of two bald eagles flying overhead while I stopped for water and a snack.
*successfully shopping for spring/summer wear

Last week's goals were quickly dropped when I started packing for Banff! I did pack stationery and a novel but did not touch them other than when I took them out of my suitcase and when I put them back in. The goals will carry over for this week.

Pi

Pi Day

I'm going to pretend that you didn't notice that I didn't blog my weekly review and goals yesterday.

Last week's goals were met. Hurray for aiming low.

This week's goals will return to being challenging not just token things I can check off a blog list!

1. Get out for at least an hour long walk every day
2. Read a novel that I haven't read before
3. Write a long overdue letter to a friend in England
4. Write a card to my former roomie and be specific about the ways she didn't suck
5. Deal with the circle of clutter I have created downstairs and reduce my collection of stuff to just one small storage container.

In honour of trying to conceive I have given up drinking. I am abstaining 100% when around friends and 100% during the two weeks between the attempt and finding out. I miss wine and beer and amaretto. My husband has been warned that I will likely cry every time conception doesn't occur and that what I will need is a hug, some kisses and a stiff drink.

This morning I received a response to an ad for childcare that I placed last week. It would be wonderful to be able to spend a portion of each week hanging out with an awesome little person who needs a great nanny while their mommy and daddy work. I replied to the inquiry and was forthcoming about the fact that we are trying to conceive. Although disclosing such information might exclude me from the running, I prefer to be up front and hope for the best. Fingers crossed.

In honour of Pi day I will be preparing my first ever pot pies for dinner tonight. The recipe I will be trying out is found here; http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Chicken-Ham-and-Fennel-Pot-Pies-2478
I'm especially looking forward to putting Pi symbols on the top of each pie. If the pies are photo worthy I will upload a picture tonight or tomorrow.

Early to Rise

My set waking up time has started to make its annual spring time change. For the past week I've been consistently waking up between 6:30 AM and 7:00 AM. An early to rise, early to bed was routine was simpler when I lived at the apartment but I'm now struggling with re-establishing a sensible bedtime to make my new wake up time. Until last week I was able to sleep well from midnight until 8 or 8:30 AM. Eight hours of sleep is perfect for me. Sleeping from midnight until 6:30 AM is not perfect at all. If I was less attached to bedtime cuddles I would go to bed earlier but I am not sure I would be content with routinely going to bed an hour before and waking up three hours before my husband does. Dark or thick curtains in our bedroom might help with the early waking but I am not sure I want to mess with my natural early rising tendencies. Naps might be the only answer.

Party Time

I woke up this morning with poofy eyes and a pounding head due to crying right before falling asleep. There wasn't anything specific bothering me and I suspect it was a blow off steam kind of cry. Regardless, I have sore eyes.

This evening I will be hosting a princess party. The gathering is smaller than I anticipated but I cannot say that I mind. I've been intending and looking forward to spending some one-on-one time with the sole guest for quite some time now. Once today's morning coffee kicks in I will create a menu, house rules list, and party schedule for tonight. I won't force us to follow the schedule but it might be a handy resource should we find ourselves in an uncomfortable staring silence.

This next part might be exceedingly dull but it is best to get it out of my head. If one more person asks if I am pregnant I might burst into tears. While I understand that everyone is excited I am surprised by the people adults who ask again and again. I have been practicing responses but think I will work on smiling and shrugging OR telling people to fuck off. I suspect the response will depend on the day and the inquirer.

Reflection and goal time

Before I start I should top up my coffee mug. Be right back.

I might as well start by looking over the goals and commenting on each one. Likely boasting about the ones I accomplished and justifying the ones that we not achieved.

• one chapter per day of Home Comforts (Mendelson, 1999)  I read a total of three chapters and learned all about synthetic fabrics, food storage, and folding linens. I am looking forward to the day when all the lessons about folding fitting sheets evolve into being a skilled fitted sheet folder but for know it remains potential. 
• walk at least on hour per week day.  Nope. A few 10-15 minute walks but it was cold, slippery and windy here and I had no desire to bundle up just for the sake of reaching this goal.
• use the telephone and chat with a friend. Rather awkwardly arranged this via facebook messages. Perhaps next week I shall try having spontaneously calling a friend as a goal.
• write and mail three or four letters. I wrote one letter.  Another unreached goal.
• work on my taxes. This one, as you've already read, is done.

So what happened to my big plans for self-improvement and growth? In typical me style I suspect I avoided the pressure of expectations by over-performing in other areas. It is likely not a coincidence that in the last seven days I baked a pie and two loaves of bread. Or that I sorted through every storage container that I have tucked away in the basement. Or that I vacuumed/dusted every surface of this house. I'd be disheartened about my failures last week if I didn't have strong list of unrelated successes.

Onto goals for myself for the next week.

1. Write and mail two letters.
2. Part with clothing that no longer fits my size or lifestyle.
3. Read three more chapters of Home Comforts (Mendelson, 1999)